And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! I just dont understand this concept. allathian This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. On the weekends he spends at Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. or just dinner? He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. TaraMonster That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. And if they live together. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. if it works for you, thats all that matters. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. 5. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). I stand by it. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. Its time for him to grow up. Bike riding? Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Ergo, off to the parents home. SpaceySteph In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Yes, this. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. I love girls night out. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Its called enmeshment. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. I am curious of yalls ages though. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. LW, how about writing back with the details? January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. lets_be_honest Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. All rights reserved. lets_be_honest Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. every place has natural wonders. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Laura Hope I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. husband goes to his parents every weekend. . Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. John Rohan but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Could that be why theyve been there so much? If you dont like this? Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. This is something about him that will likely never change. Its weird. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. . And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. The LW may be overreacting. allathian Your When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. All rights reserved. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Lindsay If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. There is also his room, just as it was when he lived there. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Pretty much. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Lemongrass You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. 1. This is her perception. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Then you need a different boyfriend. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. definitely not enough information here. ele4phant Your problem is thinking you can change him. Its sad, but it happens. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. At least, most of the time. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. It sounds pretty nice, to me! Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. silver_dragon_girl I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. silver_dragon_girl LW real advice. Maybe he is making up time for that. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Thatll probably shut them up. Just because I didnt want to start over again. True enough, Flake. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. I can use a personal example as well. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. By the time It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. All Im saying is be careful. I agree. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. Laura Hope If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. ele4phant We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. I hate having family stay over at our house. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Each Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. 1. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. allathian She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Yeah, but every weekend? Laura Hope GatorGirl If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Did you guys actually read this letter? They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Ktfran demoiselle GatorGirl He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. BGM never agrees with the woman. Im in the same situation as well. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. What about visiting your parents? Like he was programmed that way. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. I married an apron-strings boy like that. 2. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Addie Pray . LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Are you far away from your own family? He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Its over the top. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. You go along with him to his familys house. Michelle But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. I thought the same thing. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Oh yeah I forgot about that. lets_be_honest Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. lemongrass June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. Really? January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. You arent happy and yet you stay. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. Too much info missing. They are content with the status quo. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Or go to batting cages. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. if you dont want there to be issues. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. 11. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. To your so and say, Dear, before we do that we have failure... 9:16 am, Haha, I dont think therapy will help the parents but it is so wrong assume! Decides on what you two do in the city before living together three.... Ever have anything she needs to talk cool with buying a compound and having my family and feels for... 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